Note to a Friend Who's Parent is in Hospice Care

Was thinking of you and family this morning…. And with the passing of our mutual friend's dad last night, remembered some things we learned with the decline of Lisa’s mom years ago. The closest I think I’ve ever come to experiencing angels is when one’s loved patient is in distress, and the hospice nurses come in, just quietly talking, soothing, taking care of them. Quiet crepe-soled shoes making no sound as they quickly move around, maybe a low song being hummed that fills the whole house with peace. That memory is still so clear, thinking: “this is what they are doing, all the time, ministering to the saints.”

Also learned the pain of somewhat going through what one’s patient is experiencing…. As they have a difficulty, or challenge, or “reduction”, there is a stress for you, with little you can do. It helped me so much when the picture came of an old time skeleton key hole (you wouldn’t know unless you’d seen one in North GA)… but it seems that as that as your patient is reduced in this life, you get crushed, too….. it’s like you’re being pulled through that old-time keyhole… and just when you think the “crushing” must be complete, there’s another event, prediction, prognosis… and there’s the pain of “reduction” again, squeezing you to nothing as you get pulled further through that tiny hole.

The third thing I remember, and saw this being at our friend's home last night as the phone call about her dad came…. There are always “graces” along the way. Some special comfort, word, event, touch, realization…. That just as the Lord told Moses from the burning bush: “I will be with you”, He demonstrates His presence. Nothing too big for His power, Nothing too small for His notice. Our friend had quietly mentioned after the Africa team departed for Zambia, “It’s hard not going with them….knowing the Lord’s going to do some amazing and surprising things, and not be there.” And by text last night, after leaving their home, we realized we’d been reminded at the same time: “This is why he isn’t in Africa tonight.” “Graces” (I call them) all along the way…. Like from Psalm 105:4 “Keep your eyes open for God, watch for His works, be alert for signs of His presence.”

Walking Through Hard Times

Recently I wrote a note to a friend whose family was going through a difficult time, and looking for some answers.... I found them hard to come by, and here's my reply:

I am so sorry about the trouble for all of you with these difficulties. I have nothing close to an answer. Some words from Job help me: "When He has tried me, I will come forth as gold". But a lot of folks talk about the end chapter, about how God doubled everything and blessed Job greatly. More donkeys, sheep, more stuff. Twice as much. Yes, I agree, I see that.

And I want to Scream: "Yes! But he buried seven!! Somewhere back in the back, there are seven tombstones!!" All I know is what I learned with the difficult decline of my mother-in-law. Somehow, because of all I'd been through, I realized I'd kind of attached to her, and it was as if I had a "real mom" again. And then she slowly faded... ( I just freaked out several times - really freaked - really wierd emotional freaky, that I didn't understand). Now I know it's called secondary trauma.

Anyway, what I learned, I share again and again with folks supporting loved ones: "You feel like every part of you is being crushed, slowly, and that you are being stuffed through an old timey key hole, and there is so little you can do....but there will be graces along the way."

I tell even my college - & young singles guys, so they'll know: "there are some things in life that will never be fixed, except by a good cry". I can't imagine the amount of eyeliner you must have ruined.....

But I do like to listen to this song, it helps me a lot, sometimes. You may prefer to just minimize the video about Columbine and listen to the song, that's what I do. We will continue to pray.

Love,
Tom B
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uQCLzebZwo&feature=PlayList&p=C396BD50C182BEF6&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=33