Are You In a Relationship With a Bully?

Are You in a Relationship with a Bully?  Dick S. Forbes, MA

So much focus today is on bullying among children, what about adult bullies? What about those adults who put up with someone’s school yard antics? Well, let me describe some of the behavior of an adult bully. You might be scratching your head thinking, this sounds like children! All I can say is: “connect the dots.”

Do any of these behaviors sound familiar?

If they don’t get their way, there is hell to pay. They use verbal assaults, name calling, controlling, threats and intimidations.  They feel powerful.  The results for you are isolation and loss of self worth.  Many bullies have a Narcissistic Personality disorder. 

No matter how hard you try, it is never enough. The expectations are always a moving target.  You have to stop what you are doing and attend to their needs. More often than not it is an endless list of demands. The complaints usually sound like this: “Why can’t you make more money, you don’t spend enough time with me, I need more sex, the house isn’t clean enough,  you’re never romantic; you’re not (fill in the blank).” No matter what reality is, with a bully you will never be enough. You may be doing all the things they want, but with bullies it just isn’t enough. The results for you are feeling defeated and helpless.

Now the verbal attacks start from the bully.  This is the school yard approach of name calling, criticizing, threats, screaming, exaggerating your flaws, making fun of you in front of others, including your children. Any sense of self-worth that you may have had disappears. You may even begin to believe some of the things said about you.

There is a psychological term used today called Gaslighting. It is taken from and old movie and play where this man convinces his wife she is going crazy. This is how it goes, the bully says:”I didn’t do that. I didn’t say that. I don’t know what you are talking about. You’re crazy. Stop making things up about me.”  Reality says something totally different. You start to question your own perception and memory.

This last one is a good one. The bully will implement emotional blackmail when the above tactics are not working.  There may be threats of abandonment, the silent treatment, leaving you, and ending the relationship. They know where to attack: your fears, your shame and sympathy. The goal is to control you and get what they want. You feel controlled and manipulated. Your resentment starts to increase yet you don’t know what to do. Maybe you have lashed out in the past only to lose that battle with emotional blackmail.

You don’t have to accept this abuse. Get some help. The bully doesn’t want to work on the relationship because they don’t have a problem. They see themselves as the victim and they are professional victims and bullies. Get some help and support, it is out there to be had.

Dick Forbes can be reached at 770.386.0608  dsforbes@bellsouth.net www.forbescounseling .com