When most of us hear the word sociopath, we think of people like Ted Bundy,
Bernie Madoff or a Charles Manson... con artists and killers. Yes, these guys are true
sociopaths to the extreme.
Now the truth be told, there are sociopaths living among us, but they
don’t reach the notoriety that these examples did. Sociopathy is far more common than we like to
think. They live next door to us, they work in the cubicle next to us, they sit
in the pew next to us at church, and some of us are married to them, without
ever realizing it until we have been a victim of the sociopath’s behavior.
Sociopaths have learned to take on the form of Susie the Soccer Mom or Larry
the Little League Coach. These sociopaths can be very dangerous and destructive.
They stay off the radar screen and are able to get away with their crimes with
no consequences. Many of them look,
sound, and act normal in public; but they traumatize their loved ones behind
closed doors. They don’t target the
public but only those close intimate relationships, usually family and anyone
else who sees behind their mask.
So how do I recognize the sociopath who lives among us?
Psychologists Hervey Cleckley and Robert Hare both developed sociopathy checklists. I have
taken a sampling of their research.
They can be superficially charming. Their outward appearance is often very
conventional or they disguise themselves as helpless victims. Sociopaths come in all shapes, sizes, sexes,
ethnicities and walks of life.
Sociopaths believe their victims deserve to be hurt, taken advantage of and
exploited. They have no empathy, or they mimic empathy because they have seen
some else do it. They believe it will have a pay off for them if they model
empathy. They lie, cheat, manipulate, and/or verbally and/or physically
intimidate others to get their way or to “win.” To a sociopath, the ends
justify the means.
Sociopaths may refuse to recognize that others have rights and believe
they’re entitled to violate the rights of others. In fact, they often try to
control and humiliate their victims. They see people as objects and value
others based upon their utility and ease of exploitation rather than fellow
human beings. People are either targets or opportunities for exploitation. They
don’t have friends, but rather victims and accomplices who later become
victims.
Sociopaths often have a gross and exaggerated sense of entitlement. They
seem incapable of true love relationships and often confuse love with ability
to control and exploit someone. They are unable to form healthy attachments
with others.
Sociopaths seem to be able to lie very easily. You can have a video or audio
recording of them perpetrating a crime or some abusive act and they will still
deny the behavior. They often believe their own lies and may even be able to
pass a polygraph. They seem to lack the capacity for remorse or guilt. You are
more likely to squeeze blood from a stone than to receive a sincere apology
from them.
When sociopaths seem to be expressing positive feelings it is typically
because they are mimicking others to appear socially and psychologically
normal. For example, I had a client who found a note his wife wrote to herself
reminding herself to act nice and to pretend to be interested in her husband’s
day in order to get something she wanted from him. Warm and loving behavior may
be a manipulation in order to be better able to exploit their victims. For
example, they pull you close to be able to get a better swing at you –
emotionally or physically.
Sociopaths have a need for extreme stimulation in order to feel emotion and
are prone to feeling chronically bored. Some may resort to physical violence,
gambling, drugs and alcohol, and/or promiscuity; while others create
unnecessary conflict and drama for stimulation.
Sociopaths blame others for their bad behaviors and do not take personal
responsibility for their actions. At their core, they are filled with rage,
which is often split off and projected onto their victims. Sociopaths have poor
behavioral and emotional controls and can be impulsive. They often alternate
rage and abuse with small expressions of love and approval to keep their
victims under their control.
Sociopaths lack boundaries and do not care how their behavior affects
others. They may become enraged and/or desperate when their victims try to
enforce boundaries on their abusive behaviors. They have difficulty maintaining
friendships, and, is it any wonder given how they treat others?
They typically end relationships and/or try destroying former friends who
have seen behind their masks.
Sociopaths are often irresponsible and unreliable. They have a history of
breaking promises yet become enraged and vengeful if they believe someone has
broken a promise to them. They have unrealistic life plans and often live
beyond their means. Many live what can be described as a parasitic life in that
they get through life by exploiting others.
Sociopaths may have diffuse identities. Many dramatically change their
appearance or outward persona in order to exploit new victims or to avoid
punishment. For example, they expressed similar interests, beliefs, etc., and
pretended to be someone they weren’t in order to secure the relationship.
Oftentimes, they do not believe
anything is wrong with them, which is why therapy rarely works (they also know
more than the therapist.) If they acknowledge a problem, they usually blame others
for it.
Sociopaths typically do not trust others. They can be authoritarian,
paranoid and secretive. They seek relationships with others who will put up
with their crazy behavior. They like nothing better than to have a willing
victim.
Sociopaths often try to control every aspect of their victims’ lives. They
can be pretty territorial about their victims, which their victims often
confuse with love and jealousy. It’s not about love. You’re their half-dead
mouse and they don’t want any other predators messing with “their property.” A
good example of this is when the sociopath becomes unhinged when their ex
begins dating or gets remarried — especially if they have already moved onto to
another victim, er, I mean, relationship.
Lastly, and I think this characteristic will resonate with many of you,
sociopaths have an emotional need to justify their crimes and demand that their
victims show them gratitude, love and respect.
Dick S. Forbes, MA Counseling, can be reached at 770-386-0608 or www.ForbesCounseling.com
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