The SocioPath in YOUR Life - Guest Blog by Dick S. Forbes

When most of us hear the word sociopath, we think of people like Ted Bundy, Bernie Madoff or a Charles Manson... con artists and killers. Yes, these guys are true sociopaths to the extreme.
Now the truth be told, there are sociopaths living among us, but they don’t reach the notoriety that these examples did.  Sociopathy is far more common than we like to think. They live next door to us, they work in the cubicle next to us, they sit in the pew next to us at church, and some of us are married to them, without ever realizing it until we have been a victim of the sociopath’s behavior.
Sociopaths have learned to take on the form of Susie the Soccer Mom or Larry the Little League Coach. These sociopaths can be very dangerous and destructive. They stay off the radar screen and are able to get away with their crimes with no consequences.  Many of them look, sound, and act normal in public; but they traumatize their loved ones behind closed doors.  They don’t target the public but only those close intimate relationships, usually family and anyone else who sees behind their mask.
So how do I recognize the sociopath who lives among us?
Psychologists Hervey Cleckley and Robert Hare both developed sociopathy checklists. I have taken a sampling of their research.
They can be superficially charming. Their outward appearance is often very conventional or they disguise themselves as helpless victims.  Sociopaths come in all shapes, sizes, sexes, ethnicities and walks of life.
Sociopaths believe their victims deserve to be hurt, taken advantage of and exploited. They have no empathy, or they mimic empathy because they have seen some else do it. They believe it will have a pay off for them if they model empathy. They lie, cheat, manipulate, and/or verbally and/or physically intimidate others to get their way or to “win.” To a sociopath, the ends justify the means.
Sociopaths may refuse to recognize that others have rights and believe they’re entitled to violate the rights of others. In fact, they often try to control and humiliate their victims. They see people as objects and value others based upon their utility and ease of exploitation rather than fellow human beings. People are either targets or opportunities for exploitation. They don’t have friends, but rather victims and accomplices who later become victims.
Sociopaths often have a gross and exaggerated sense of entitlement. They seem incapable of true love relationships and often confuse love with ability to control and exploit someone. They are unable to form healthy attachments with others.
Sociopaths seem to be able to lie very easily. You can have a video or audio recording of them perpetrating a crime or some abusive act and they will still deny the behavior. They often believe their own lies and may even be able to pass a polygraph. They seem to lack the capacity for remorse or guilt. You are more likely to squeeze blood from a stone than to receive a sincere apology from them.
When sociopaths seem to be expressing positive feelings it is typically because they are mimicking others to appear socially and psychologically normal. For example, I had a client who found a note his wife wrote to herself reminding herself to act nice and to pretend to be interested in her husband’s day in order to get something she wanted from him. Warm and loving behavior may be a manipulation in order to be better able to exploit their victims. For example, they pull you close to be able to get a better swing at you – emotionally or physically.
Sociopaths have a need for extreme stimulation in order to feel emotion and are prone to feeling chronically bored. Some may resort to physical violence, gambling, drugs and alcohol, and/or promiscuity; while others create unnecessary conflict and drama for stimulation.
Sociopaths blame others for their bad behaviors and do not take personal responsibility for their actions. At their core, they are filled with rage, which is often split off and projected onto their victims. Sociopaths have poor behavioral and emotional controls and can be impulsive. They often alternate rage and abuse with small expressions of love and approval to keep their victims under their control.
Sociopaths lack boundaries and do not care how their behavior affects others. They may become enraged and/or desperate when their victims try to enforce boundaries on their abusive behaviors. They have difficulty maintaining friendships, and, is it any wonder given how they treat others?
They typically end relationships and/or try destroying former friends who have seen behind their masks.
Sociopaths are often irresponsible and unreliable. They have a history of breaking promises yet become enraged and vengeful if they believe someone has broken a promise to them. They have unrealistic life plans and often live beyond their means. Many live what can be described as a parasitic life in that they get through life by exploiting others.
Sociopaths may have diffuse identities. Many dramatically change their appearance or outward persona in order to exploit new victims or to avoid punishment. For example, they expressed similar interests, beliefs, etc., and pretended to be someone they weren’t in order to secure the relationship.
 Oftentimes, they do not believe anything is wrong with them, which is why therapy rarely works (they also know more than the therapist.) If they acknowledge a problem, they usually blame others for it.
Sociopaths typically do not trust others. They can be authoritarian, paranoid and secretive. They seek relationships with others who will put up with their crazy behavior. They like nothing better than to have a willing victim.
Sociopaths often try to control every aspect of their victims’ lives. They can be pretty territorial about their victims, which their victims often confuse with love and jealousy. It’s not about love. You’re their half-dead mouse and they don’t want any other predators messing with “their property.” A good example of this is when the sociopath becomes unhinged when their ex begins dating or gets remarried — especially if they have already moved onto to another victim, er, I mean, relationship.

Lastly, and I think this characteristic will resonate with many of you, sociopaths have an emotional need to justify their crimes and demand that their victims show them gratitude, love and respect.
Dick S. Forbes, MA Counseling, can be reached at 770-386-0608 or www.ForbesCounseling.com

Guest Blog: Dick Forbes: Do YOU Have FOMO?

Do YOU Have FOMO? 

 I came across a book recently by Sherry Turkle: Alone Together about people who fear they are missing out. Sherry Turkle, a professor at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, says that as technology becomes ever more pervasive, our moods and emotions and relationship to it becomes more intimate, granting it the power to influence decisions.
It is amazing to me that teens and adults text while driving, because the possibility of missing out of some connections or juicy gossip is more important than their own lives (and the lives of others). They interrupt one call to take another, because they don’t want to miss out. They check their Twitter stream, Facebook, or LinkedIn while on a date, at school, a wedding or even a funeral because something more interesting or entertaining just might be happening.
We call it a “connection” but it really isn’t because it is only a potentially different connection. It may be better, it may be worse — we just don’t know until we check.
We are so connected with one another through our Twitter streams and our Facebook that we can’t just be alone anymore. The Fear Of Missing Out (FOMO) — on some gossip, who just broke up with someone, or something that is happening on the spur of the moment  — is so intense, even when we do decide to disconnect for the day, we still connect just once more, just to make sure.
Like the old-school Crackberry addict, we’re now all in the grip of “FOMO addiction” ^* FOMO creates a minefield of anxiety, paranoid feelings and fear. You have to check every tweet or status update because you know it has something to do with you.
The truth is that there are few things so truly important in life, they can’t wait. Sure, I understand that there are circumstances when you have to check your text. Other than a real emergency, we are giving in to our FOMO!
Professor Turkle nails it, “In a way, there’s an immaturity to our relationship with technology,” she said. “It’s still evolving.”

Dick Forbes can be reached at 770-386-0608, or through www.ForbesCounseling.com

Guest Blog: Dick Forbes: "Internet Dating Red Flags 2"

So you’re out of a painful, destructive, financially draining relationship.  Now you find yourself understandably lonely and would like to try the dating scene again. You would like to find that partner to spend some time with and maybe have that soul mate experience, get married and live blissfully and happily forever and ever.    It is possible.  I have met and know couples who have met through social media or dating sites. Now, at this point in your journey you may be a little cautious and little gun shy, given that you thought you had found “the one” only to realize once the commitment was made, they pulled off the mask only to find crazy.  “That’s not what I saw in the store window!”
The Internet is here to stay as far as looking for love. There are good and decent people out there looking. The Internet is easy and quick to network. You don’t have to get all dressed up and smell good; you can do it in your PJ’s. It’s just like doing your Christmas shopping on Amazon.
Now, what would be really cool if there was a customer review section on these dating sites like Amazon. For example, “this person looks nothing like their picture on the site.” Or, “this person killed my cat in their fit of rage.” Unfortunately there are no customer review sections on these sites.  I do believe you can recognize certain red flags that might be helpful.
1. “My Ex………”Anytime it starts off with my ex and they rant and rave about this or that and they will not put up with that kind behavior in their future relationships. They may be true statements about their ex but they still haven’t dealt with their anger.  They need  a therapist!
2. “My CHILDREN are my WORLD!!!!” Odds are, you are going to meet divorced people who have kids. It is wonderful that these people want you to know they love their kids but it should go without saying.  If children are their world then they need to give their kids a break and get their own world.
3. “I live with my parents.” This one goes without any explanation.  I do understand that people may hit difficult times and need some help. Some my move back home to care for aging parent but other that certain circumstances it should be self explanatory.
4. “Accept me as I am.” Used cars come with stickers that may say “as is” no warranty.  “Accept me as I am,” means that you cannot disagree with me or criticize me in any way. Never ever!
5. “I want a real man or real woman.” What does that mean? I can only guess. It likely means that they have unrealistic expectations of their “real mate.”  You will never meet those expectations so mark this one off the list.

6. “I’m new to this internet dating thingy.” This is a good one.  They are probably not telling the truth unless they just became single. Why would they not tell the truth/, because they have sent countless men and women running for their lives. You can usually check the “member since” on many of theses sites.
Dick Forbes can be reached at www.ForbesCounseling.com for more humorous and insightful help!