Okay! Here is the Yearly Wed Guy to the Nearly Wed Guy version! (As written by the wife for him). This is the real thing!:
When I read Hubby the stuff I sent you, he thought it was hilarious. I asked him if he had anything to add, and so he gave me his Top Ten. I didn't make these up--these are all Hubby:
"Have patience, because you are not used to her emotional side, but you are used to walking it off or putting dirt on it."
"Never go to bed angry. Don't let it go just to quit an argument. Work through it together"."
"Everybody will say she's always right, but that's wrong, and nobody is perfect."
"When in competition with your wife, it is best to use what I learned while riding my motorcycle--the SEE method of Search-Evaluate-Execute. Search for the problem. Evaluate the problem, seeing what you can and can't do to make it better, and Execute that solution."
"Expect her to do everything. Just kidding... expect each team member to do his or her own part. This is a partnership, in the cleaning, the grocery shopping, and everything."
"Guys... remember the little things, the things that you did that first year you were dating. Remember to give her a kiss when you wake up or a kiss when you walk in the door. You can never say 'I Love You' enough. Get up early in the morning and go get her breakfast, even when you could use that extra hour of sleep. And really, any little thing that you think could be corny or lame, go ahead and do it, because it means the world to her."
"When your wife wants a dog, tell her no. When you want a dog, say no."
"This is for the wives: When your husband has these weird ideas--like riding a horse, getting a kayak, riding a Harley, scuba-diving, or at the greatest extreme, climbing Mount Everest--just know that this is his adventurous side coming out. It's not that he's bored with you, but he's just being 'wild at heart.' Remember that his greatest accomplishment is you."
"Guys, we're always one not to take advice, but it's good to take advice, even from older guys who may have written you poems in high school. It's always good to listen to what they have to say."
"Last, and finally, it's always good to take a moment every day, whether in the morning or at night, to pray for your spouse, because whatever issues you may be going through, she might be going through, too. Even if it's just putting up with you, or work, or anything, always pray for her. There isn't a class about marriage. This is an up front, hands on experience."
OKAY! That was the real thing, from the male perspective after the first year!!
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Wife of One Year Shares NewlyWed Advice!
Okay! Since the question comes up that so much material for premarital conversations/coaching comes from men, I asked one of my newlywed wife friends to write me what I should share, to get the lady's perspective on things. My specific question was, "what do you what me to be sure to pass on to the young couples?".
Since this is SO from the heart, I deleted personal references. Here's her response:
LOL!!! Tell them to run now while they still can! Lol... j/k completely...
I think the biggest thing for us has been learning how to communicate as married people and not as dating people. I was telling a friend about this just the other day... before we were married, we had everyday life STUFF (i.e. finances, family stuff, job stuff, school stuff, home stuff, etc.) that we dealt with on an individual basis. You're constantly dealing with those things, but not in conjunction with your boyfriend/girlfriend, fiance, etc. You keep those things separate and talk about them with that person at dinner or on the phone, but for the most part, you're dealing with your stuff and he or she is dealing with his or hers.
Now that we're married, our lives are completely slammed together... my job stuff, his job stuff, OUR home stuff, our finances, etc., and we are not only trying to keep the relationship alive, but we're now dealing with life issues with a person with whom we never had to deal with those things before. It's different from working out issues with a roommate or with a parent, because of the nature of the marriage relationship, but it's important to work through those communication issues through open honesty and humility.
With that being said, for ladies, I think it's important that for those brief moments in time in which we are seeking positive, open communication, we are able to put our emotionality down for a second and trust our guys to make good decisions. For example, when we first started dealing with certain STUFF issues, hubby and I would get into heated discussions and I would get frustrated and scream or fuss or cry, etc. My conflict style is to just leave the room, so a lot of times I would try to squeeze in a last word and leave. hubby's conflict style is to just sulk up and not say anything.
Between those two things, we never got anything accomplished. In those conversations now, it's important for both of us to be honest and for me to take the emotional card out of the deck for a short time and not let my feelings stepped on. It's almost humorous now, because we'll say, "I'm not trying to make you mad, but I just want you to be aware of this..." I think for guys, it's important to realize that we need to communicate often about STUFF and that he needs to be the leader in those conversations in order to make sure that the girl feels secure and steady.
Other things... I think it's important to be forgiving, both for the other person and for yourself. If there's anything that God has taught me in the last year, it's what grace really is. It's living with somebody who sees your every flaw... how you get angry over the little things, how you hate putting dishes from the sink to the dishwasher, how you love to sulk up, etc... but still loves you and wants to make this marriage thing work.
On the flip side, when you understand that side of yourself, you understand the consequences of your actions and how they affect other people, no matter how big or how small, and that makes you want to go to the cross because you now know why Jesus wants to refine you. I think it's important to have grace for that other person because it is undoubtedly a huge transition period, but also grace and forgiveness for yourself because you know God is leading and directing you and polishing you into something better.
This is a very long-winded email, so here are my top ten things I thing newly-married ladies should remember in marriage:
10) You are not your husband's mom, and he may or may not look at you that way. It's important to be very clear about that in a loving way. You are going to be handling some of the same household things that a husband may be used to from a mom, but you need to encourage and discuss how household things are going to be done as a couple.
9) Guy time is just as important as your girl time, and when he hangs out with his friends, it's not because he is getting tired of you. I think hubby is a more content person when he can get out those testosterone spells with his guys, and it gives us a chance to be independent of one another for a while and still bring that individuality into our marriage.
8) If he ignores you, fails to realize what he's done, or does something that you want to throw a plate at him for, it's probably not his fault, but probably just because he is a guy and didn't look at it the way you did. I finally realized that there are a lot of times I will get frustrated with hubby that he has no clue at because I looked at it from a female perspective and he looked at it from a male perspective.
7) Don't get mad at him when he is clueless, but have some of that mercy and grace I was talking about.
6) Understand that he is going to get frustrated with you because you are an emotional creature and that he is learning how to show mercy and grace just like you are.
5) Build a positive relationship with your spouse's family, and show them that you have something to offer. You are a member of that family now, too, and sometimes that can be overwhelming, but don't be afraid to step up to the plate and bring a dessert to Christmas without being asked, etc.
4) Open and honest communication and prayer is the most important factor to making stuff work, but it is also the hardest thing to do. Put your pride down and be real with what you're thinking... your spouse will appreciate it.
3) Do not feel like you are Super Woman and can handle everything all at once, like school, work, home stuff, etc. There's a cross where you're supposed to put those burdens, and it takes time to learn how to manage time, energy, and responsibility like the Proverbs 31 woman. I think that woman must be the Proverbs 31 grandma, because there are days when I feel like I'll never figure that stuff out.
2) Equip your husband to feel adventurous. Give him opportunities to "save the day," to build things, to be a leader, and to know that he's successful. This is how he's made in the image of God, and if he understands how he is created in God's image, then he will more aptly pursue an understanding of how you are created in God's image as a girl.
1) Respect your husband, because that's what the Bible says we're supposed to do and because it's what our husbands need. Even if there are days when he is a complete jerk, he still needs respect because he's the head of the household and that's how God made it. Put the emotions away and still treat him respectfully, and eventually, you can work out whatever issue it is for the greater benefit.
Wow... that's a lot of information, but I hope it is helpful. I can't believe it's almost been a year for us! I tell people that this is my first year teaching and my first year of marriage, and that all I know is that I have more gray hairs than I used to and no idea where they came from :-D. Thanks for asking me for my input... anytime I can help someone out from what I've learned, it's a great thing.
Since this is SO from the heart, I deleted personal references. Here's her response:
LOL!!! Tell them to run now while they still can! Lol... j/k completely...
I think the biggest thing for us has been learning how to communicate as married people and not as dating people. I was telling a friend about this just the other day... before we were married, we had everyday life STUFF (i.e. finances, family stuff, job stuff, school stuff, home stuff, etc.) that we dealt with on an individual basis. You're constantly dealing with those things, but not in conjunction with your boyfriend/girlfriend, fiance, etc. You keep those things separate and talk about them with that person at dinner or on the phone, but for the most part, you're dealing with your stuff and he or she is dealing with his or hers.
Now that we're married, our lives are completely slammed together... my job stuff, his job stuff, OUR home stuff, our finances, etc., and we are not only trying to keep the relationship alive, but we're now dealing with life issues with a person with whom we never had to deal with those things before. It's different from working out issues with a roommate or with a parent, because of the nature of the marriage relationship, but it's important to work through those communication issues through open honesty and humility.
With that being said, for ladies, I think it's important that for those brief moments in time in which we are seeking positive, open communication, we are able to put our emotionality down for a second and trust our guys to make good decisions. For example, when we first started dealing with certain STUFF issues, hubby and I would get into heated discussions and I would get frustrated and scream or fuss or cry, etc. My conflict style is to just leave the room, so a lot of times I would try to squeeze in a last word and leave. hubby's conflict style is to just sulk up and not say anything.
Between those two things, we never got anything accomplished. In those conversations now, it's important for both of us to be honest and for me to take the emotional card out of the deck for a short time and not let my feelings stepped on. It's almost humorous now, because we'll say, "I'm not trying to make you mad, but I just want you to be aware of this..." I think for guys, it's important to realize that we need to communicate often about STUFF and that he needs to be the leader in those conversations in order to make sure that the girl feels secure and steady.
Other things... I think it's important to be forgiving, both for the other person and for yourself. If there's anything that God has taught me in the last year, it's what grace really is. It's living with somebody who sees your every flaw... how you get angry over the little things, how you hate putting dishes from the sink to the dishwasher, how you love to sulk up, etc... but still loves you and wants to make this marriage thing work.
On the flip side, when you understand that side of yourself, you understand the consequences of your actions and how they affect other people, no matter how big or how small, and that makes you want to go to the cross because you now know why Jesus wants to refine you. I think it's important to have grace for that other person because it is undoubtedly a huge transition period, but also grace and forgiveness for yourself because you know God is leading and directing you and polishing you into something better.
This is a very long-winded email, so here are my top ten things I thing newly-married ladies should remember in marriage:
10) You are not your husband's mom, and he may or may not look at you that way. It's important to be very clear about that in a loving way. You are going to be handling some of the same household things that a husband may be used to from a mom, but you need to encourage and discuss how household things are going to be done as a couple.
9) Guy time is just as important as your girl time, and when he hangs out with his friends, it's not because he is getting tired of you. I think hubby is a more content person when he can get out those testosterone spells with his guys, and it gives us a chance to be independent of one another for a while and still bring that individuality into our marriage.
8) If he ignores you, fails to realize what he's done, or does something that you want to throw a plate at him for, it's probably not his fault, but probably just because he is a guy and didn't look at it the way you did. I finally realized that there are a lot of times I will get frustrated with hubby that he has no clue at because I looked at it from a female perspective and he looked at it from a male perspective.
7) Don't get mad at him when he is clueless, but have some of that mercy and grace I was talking about.
6) Understand that he is going to get frustrated with you because you are an emotional creature and that he is learning how to show mercy and grace just like you are.
5) Build a positive relationship with your spouse's family, and show them that you have something to offer. You are a member of that family now, too, and sometimes that can be overwhelming, but don't be afraid to step up to the plate and bring a dessert to Christmas without being asked, etc.
4) Open and honest communication and prayer is the most important factor to making stuff work, but it is also the hardest thing to do. Put your pride down and be real with what you're thinking... your spouse will appreciate it.
3) Do not feel like you are Super Woman and can handle everything all at once, like school, work, home stuff, etc. There's a cross where you're supposed to put those burdens, and it takes time to learn how to manage time, energy, and responsibility like the Proverbs 31 woman. I think that woman must be the Proverbs 31 grandma, because there are days when I feel like I'll never figure that stuff out.
2) Equip your husband to feel adventurous. Give him opportunities to "save the day," to build things, to be a leader, and to know that he's successful. This is how he's made in the image of God, and if he understands how he is created in God's image, then he will more aptly pursue an understanding of how you are created in God's image as a girl.
1) Respect your husband, because that's what the Bible says we're supposed to do and because it's what our husbands need. Even if there are days when he is a complete jerk, he still needs respect because he's the head of the household and that's how God made it. Put the emotions away and still treat him respectfully, and eventually, you can work out whatever issue it is for the greater benefit.
Wow... that's a lot of information, but I hope it is helpful. I can't believe it's almost been a year for us! I tell people that this is my first year teaching and my first year of marriage, and that all I know is that I have more gray hairs than I used to and no idea where they came from :-D. Thanks for asking me for my input... anytime I can help someone out from what I've learned, it's a great thing.
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